Twins

It was Saturday. As usual, I was at my in laws place for the weekly visit. This was something that had been happening ever since Cindy, my only daughter, came along. It is also something that is not all that unusual in Singapore, where family ties tend to be a lot stronger, maybe because we are so small that we have no excuse for not visiting, much as we may wish otherwise. We were all indulging in our usual exercise on Saturday afternoons playing mahjong. It was just as well that my in laws are mahjong addicts, or Saturday afternoons would take an eternity to pass. Cindy was playing in the dining room.

My in laws lived in a three storey terrace house. Once you enter the front door, you see the living room and the raised dining room. The dining room led to the so called dry kitchen. To the right of the entrance to the kitchen, there was another door that opened into the maid's room. The staircase was to the right of the maid's room. For geomantic reasons, my mother in law, who was at heart a modern, emancipated, rational woman but she still subscribed to older, traditional beliefs just in case, you know had placed a mirror at the landing of the staircase.

I do not like mirrors. When I was a young girl, in the warm idyllic afternoons before I attended school, I would look into the mirror and see another world in the mirror that looked identical to the world outside. I thought that it was a wondrous thing, and at the same time, slightly scary that there should be two worlds. In my young mind, I wondered if there were other worlds that were not visible to me. However, despite the near identical appearances of both worlds, the one in the mirror always had a sinister expectancy to it, like something was about to happen in the other world. even my own reflection reminded me of some exotic, sly being that was waiting, waiting.  At the back of my mind, which I did not allow myself to think then, I always thought of it as a greedy creature, waiting for me to lapse into a false relaxation, so that it could grab me into its worlds. Depending on my fancy, it would want me in its world for a variety of reasons, one being that I would be a reluctant companion to it. Or maybe once I'm trapped in that mirror world, it would then step out and take my place in the real world.

Call me superstitious, but even when I was older, like now, and married, I refused to sleep facing the mirror. And I always made sure that my bed did not face the mirror. Who knows what would happen when one is asleep? During the days of my courtship and early marriage, sometimes, I would stay over in the house. One night, as I was coming down the stairs, I looked into the mirror to check my hair after a shower. I am not saying this is true, but for a moment, I thought I saw my reflection smiling at me! my first instinct was to bolt. Instead, I closed my eyes. Slowly, I peeped at the mirror. I saw my reflection peeping back at me. I heaved a sigh of relief and my feet felt like they were standing upon substantial ground again. Although I had not seen anything unusual in the mirror since, I still felt uneasy each time I came across it. but I had learnt to live with it. I guess I should be glad that we lived in the north. Otherwise, the frequency of the visits would be greater.

It was not only the mirror. My mother in law was another factor why I never felt at ease in my husband's previous home. The problem that I had with my mother in law was that she was an immensely helpful person. And I meant immensely. She was so overfilled with helpfulness that she was always spilling well meaning advice, solicited or otherwise. An example of a typical conversation with her. 'You should really give birth to a second one, you know?' A meaningless grunt from me. 'Look, your poor girl is so lonely. If she has a sister or a brother, she'll have some company.' Another meaningless grunt.

unfortunately, she still did not get the meaning behind my meaningless grunts. 'Believe me, one child is not enough. The ideal number of children is four and the best combination is two boys and two girls (like I can order them from a factory!). So it would be good if you have a boy next, followed by another boy, then by a girl.' I changed tactics. I tried to maintain a significant silence. Still no use. 'Then you must remember, to get a boy, you must wait until...' I am sure that I do not have to go into details. By now, you must realise what my mother in law's pet topic was. It was silly but a great part of my resistance to trying for another child was probably due to her nagging. The more she harrassed me, the more I refused to comply with her wishes.

Actually, I did give the issue some thought. The most convincing argument for another baby was given by a good friend, Yen, who told me that I should give birth to another child for Cindy's sake. Perhaps this appealed to my martyr complex, but it did make sense that if Cindy had a sibling, it would be some form of support for her in the future when neither Yap nor I am around. Moreover, a sibling would also prevent Cindy from becoming too self centred and spoilt, something that was already happening. But in the face of these and other just as valid reasons stood the spectre of my mother in law and her nonstop machinegun mouth, as well as inertia. The thought of being bound and trussed for another two years again was rather daunting.

And so I continued the days with one child, despite all the dire warnings from mother in law about putting all my eggs into one basket, etc. I guess Cindy was rather lonely. At the same time, she enjoyed being in the limelight.I justified my decision by telling myself that she would have been miserable if she had a sibling to divide our (Yap's and mine) affection and attention. but she was really lonely. My colleagues and friends would share horror stories about the battles of sending their children to childcare or playschool, and for once, I would not have a similar anecdote to share because Cindy just enjoyed going to school. A large part of her love for school stemmed from the companions in school. No matter how early in the morning she was awakened, how little sleep she had had the night before, she would always nod her head affirmatively (and sleepily) if she was asked whether she wanted to go to school that day.

But her favourite activity was to talk to herself in the mirror. I had no idea where she picked up the habit from but by the time she was around four, it became more of a habit than mere play. Each time I stayed at home to work, I noted that she spent an inordinate amount of time in front of the mirror, chattering away to herself. Initially, Yap and I were amused by what we deemed to be her vanity. A certain amount of vanity in a girl is a good thing. I explained to Yap, who was worried that Cindy would turn out to be a bimboo. After all, a girl has to take pride in her appearance. Anyway, I thought that it was just a phase that Cindy was going through and that she would grow up of it pretty soon.

I was wrong. Not only did Cindy not grow out of the phase, as time passed, she spent even more time in front of the mirror each day, whispering sweet nothings to her own reflection. by then, even I could not help thinking that something was amiss. I thought it might be some psychological problem that i had overlooked. I wondered if she was developing a narcissistic streak and began to give more thought to having another baby. Maybe if she had a sibling to look after, she would have less time to love herself. I also tried talking to her. 'Darling?' 'Hm?' 'Would you like to come out for some chocolates?' 'OK!' She ran out of her room, cheered by the thought of an unexpected treat. She took one chocolate, stuffed the whole confectionary into her mouth, grabbed another one and made to turn.

'Eh eh eh, no eating in the bedrooms!' 'But mummy, Lindy is waiting for me!' 'Who is Lindy?' I was mildly surprised. This was the first time that I had heard of 'Lindy'. 'She ee my 'win,' came the muffled reply as Cindy munched the chocolate furiously, trying to swallow it quick so that she could stuff the second one into her mouth. Then she could return to her room to continue with her game. 'Twin? You don't have a twin, silly darling. Daddy and mummy only have one little girl and that's you.' 'Yes, I have.' There was a pause as I wondered how I could make her see the difference between reality and fantasy. 'OK, show me where your twin is then.' 'She's in my room. Come, I'll show her to you.' 

I entered her room, where the walls had been painted apple green. In the left corner was the jade green dressing table that we bought as a Christmas present for her last year. She ran to the dressing table and peering into the attached oval mirror, she waved to her reflection and said to me without turning to look at me, 'There she is, mummy, my twin.' Seeing her smiling at her own reflection, a shiver of forgotten fear ran down my spine. But I told myself that there was no cause for panic, that I was over reacting; there had to be a rational reason why Cindy found herself a 'twin' in the mirror. 'Da da (my pet name for her), that's not your twin. It's just a reflection of yourself.' I walked to her side and squatted. 'See,' I pointed to my reflection in the same mirror, 'that's not my twin, t's my reflection. That's what mirrors do; they reflect the things in the real world. So although we can see these things in the mirror, they are not real.'

'Lindy is my twin,' came the stubborn, mutinous reply. I did not know what to do. By then, I knew Cindy's nature. The only way to get her to declare otherwise would be to use force, to beat her. But Yap and I agreed that that was not the way we wanted to raise our daughter. I decided to wait till Yap return to discuss the matter with him. 'Well, I'm telling you your reflection is not a twin. If you want to, you may imagine otherwise,' I stood up and walked towards the doorway. Before I left the room, I turned back to see what Cindy was doing. She was already in her own world, conversing with her reflected image as before. As she was whispering, I could only hear a snatches of her conversation. '...never mind as long as I know you're real...' 'she'll know.'

I looked at the mirror framing my daughter's reflection. For one instant, Cindy looked at me using the mirror. Her large, dark and luminous eyes seemed to hold some old and obscene secret and she seemed to be laughing at me for my ignorance. Was that Cindy, or was it her 'twin'? Confused, frightened, I fled the room. Sitting on the high stool, sipping a cup of hot tea to settle my nerves, I berated myself for my overly fertile imagination. 'You think it's like those silly B grade horror shows that they broadcast on TV whereby evil beings can spring out from the mirror to kidnap the children?' Once I have calmed down, I crept towards Cindy's room to assure myself that everything was alright (a rational part of me, surprised by my own behaviour, whispered, 'Why are you creeping in your own house in broad daylight?' but caution ruled the day).

I peeped into the room. Cindy was seated down, harmlessly reading by herself. I felt a little sheepish over my own panicked reaction. Never mind that. I might have over reacted, it was time to revisit the second child issue. That night, I brought up the issue with Yap. 'Do you think we should have another child?' 'Definitely. But why the sudden change of mind? You said that you wanted some space and time to yourself. in fact, I remember the last time I talked to you about it, you said that you were not a sow.' Annoyed at his suddenly accurate memory, I said tersely, 'I know. It's actually for Cindy. Don't you notice that she keeps talking to herself in the mirror? It's not healthy.'

'But you said that it was just a passing phase and that she would grow out of it.' Was he trying to irritate me on purpose? I glanced at him through narrowed eyes and decided from his demeanour that he was just being dense. 'I know. But after prolonged observation and analysis, I've decided that her behaviour is not merely eccentric and instead, might have adverse effects on her mentel, physical and social developments.' There. That got his attention alright. He looked up from the journal that he was reading. Resigned to the fact that Cindy might be his one and only child, he loves and dotes upon her to a shameful extent. I might be the apple of his eye, but she is a priceless jewel, his only link to immortality whereas I'm only his lifetime companion.

'What do you think we should do?' Sometimes I find it rather amusing. At work, Yap is a fearless warrior who leads his men decisively without hesitation. But with the matters regarding the home or Cindy, he is almost like a little boy himself. But it can be exasperating too, especially when I feel that I'm mothering two children instead of one. 'I'm meeting an old classmate of mine for lunch tomorrow. Do you remember Fann? Well, she's a doctor, so she may be able to give me some suggestions. It's just that she's a GP, she may not know much about mental disorders in children.' There was a shocked silence. Yap could be over sensitive about certain things at times.

'Are you saying that our daughter is mad?' I had foreseen this. 'No, dear. All I'm saying is that Cindy might, only 'might', you know, have a problem. This afternoon, she told me that she had a twin, Lindy, who is actually her mirror reflection. For all we know, it might be nothing serious. Maybe a younger sibling is all we need to solve the problem. But we need to...' 'NO!' Taken aback by his firm negation, I asked, 'No what?' 'Although I'm keen to have another child, I don't think it's right to have another just for Cindy's sake. We have to love the child for himself, not for what he can do for his elder sister.' Of all times to talk about scruples! 'Of course we'll love the child for himself. But it wouldn't hurt if he could help his sister, right? And your mother would be over the moon. Anyway, all these are hypothetical at the moment. Let's just check out if Cindy is alright before we decide if we want to extend our family, OK?' I sent him my most winning, pleading look. 'OK.'

The next day, I met Fann as arranged, at Marche, her favourite restaurant, for lunch. Since the topic I wanted to broach was sensitive, I did not bring Cindy along, leaving her at the children centre. After the pleasantries were exchanged, I introduced the topic gingerly. 'Fann, have you ever considered going into specialisation?' 'Of course. Many times, in fact. But I never seem to have the time. And now, with another baby on the way, it's really not the best time.' 'Oh, congratulations! How many months already?' 'Two. I didn't tell you earlier because you know how volatile early pregnancies are...' 'Don't worry about it. Actually, I've been thinking about having another baby too.' 'Great! Then we can be pregnant together! But I thought you said that one is enough?'

'Yeah, but I've been thinking. Cindy is already four. If I do not get another one quickly, the gap between them will be too great for them to be playmates.' 'True.' 'And I think I should get another one. Cindy is getting too lonely. These days, she spends so much time talking to herself in the mirror that her father and I are getting very worried about her. What do you think?' 'How long has she been doing that? And how long does each of this session last?' 'Well, it has been going on for more than a year. When it first started, she did it quite irregularly, every now and then. Yap and I were very amused. I think that sort of egged her on...' 'Yup... it's what's psychologists term as positive reinforcement.' '... and now she does it everyday. More than three times a day and she can spend hours talking to herself!' 

'Does she exhibit any other strange behaviour besides this?' 'No.' 'I'm no expert on children psychology but from what you've described, it does sound like Cindy's too lonely. Tell you what, why don't you bring Cindy to my place  where she can play with my duo? And if you're still worried, I can recommend a psychiatrist to you. but I think that's a bit drastic. It's better to observe her for a while longer before doing that. I may be a doctor myself, but I can tell you that more or less, there is still some stigma attached to seeing a psychiatrist. And the idea of trying for another one, I think it's wonderful. With or without Cindy's troubling behaviour, you should have another one.' What is it with people? Is it some sort of biological imperative to breed? Why is two an ideal number of children to have? But I didn't show my displeasure since Fann had just offered me some advice.

Acting upon her informed counsel, I tried hard to get pregnant and succeeded. I also tried to get Cindy to become friends with her two children, Micheal and Melanie, unsuccessfully. Cindy didn't take to them and each attempt I made to get her to visit them was a minor battle between wills, hers and mine. She would resist on the ground that she did not like them. But the true factor was the time spent away from the mirror and her reflection. Despite Fann's opinion that Cindy's condition didn't warrant psychiatric treatment, I wasn't taking any risk. The psychiatrist pronounced Cindy fine. 'Very intelligent and perhaps, a little over imaginative, Mrs. Tan. But absolutely fine. I don't think you've anything to worry. You hit the nail on the head about her being lonely. But that is easily with the akan datang sibling. Just give her more attention till then.'

All was well and good. Then why couldn't my heart find peace? In the taxi on the way home, Cindy asked, 'Mummy, are you having another baby?' I had forgotten all about it. In my anxiety about the doctor's diagnose, I didn't realise that I had not informed her about my pregnancy. 'Yes, da-da. Are you happy about it?' She shrugged her shoulders in difference. Once we reached home, she ran into her room to update her reflection on the day's happenings. She only crept out in the evening, to the kitchen where I was preparing dinner. 'Mummy?' 'Yes, da-da?' I replied absently as I minced the garlic into fine pieces. 'Mummy, I've been talking to Lindy and she told me that you're having a baby because you thought that I might be too lonely.' My hands stilled. 'Mummy, I just want you to know that I'm not lonely. How can I be, with Lindy to keep me company?'

The room suddenly seemed very chilly. There seemed to be a third presence beside Cindy and me. I turned stiffly so that I could see Cindy. Was it my imagination or was that dark shadow behind Cindy moving? As I stared at it, it seemed to grow thicker and thicker and become more substantial. Stifling a moan, I put away the knife carefully, rinsed my hands and dried them on the dishcloth. I wanted to hug Cindy, to keep my baby safe, but my baby is not so innocent. She... she had some sort of communication with that... Turning away, I stumbled back into my room to lie down. Collecting my thoughts, I recalled reading reports of mass hallucination, cases whereby many people had the same hallucinations. Some scientists explain that this may have happened by telepathy. Is this one instance? Somehow, Cindy had transferred her beliefs to me to so that I could see the product of her imagination too. What other rational explanation could there be? The only other plausible explanation was that... Unbidden, the mirror in my mother in law's house appeared in my mind. I pushed it away. No, I refused to allow thoughts of things that I couldn't put a name to to surface.

I put a hand on my forehead. No fever. Maybe it is the pregnancy. Must be it. Somehow, the hormonal changes in my body must be making me hysterical. Well, I'm in no fit state to cook dinner. I would call for pizza later when Yap returns. In the meantime, I tried to get some sleep. Hopefully the rest would help me to regain my balance. I tried to still the thoughts swirling in my mind and get my body to relax. Five minutes later, I heard the bedroom door creaking as it was opened. 'Mummy, are you alright?' Two voices chorused in mock rehearsed unison. Two? All my suppressed fears hit me like a walloping punch on the face. Shivering, I turned around to look at Cindy. My thinly stretched control snapped. I screamed when I saw the girl who stood next to her.A girl who looked exactly the same as my cherubic daughter. She was grinning at me.